Old Mother Hubbard 
Sat in her cupboard
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider 
That sat down beside her
And frightened Old Hubbard away.

Over the river and through the woods
To her Grandmother's house she goed
And she met Little Red Riding Hood
Who carried a sweet little load.

At about halfway there, 
they met a blonde chased by bears
(She was a little too rough in the bed.)
As well as Bo Peep
Who had fallen asleep,
And that's how the tortoise got a head.

The ladies went marching two by two
Hurrah. Hurrah.
Till they got to Granny's, and gasped and fumed,
and asked about what they just saw.

“Grandmother, what a big cock you have!”
“I'm not your grandma, I'm a man from Nantucket.
I opened the door, found an old whore,
And decided to... stick my thumb in her pie and pull out a plumb.

So grandma yells from the bathroom, “Jack, you'd better be nimble and not quick.”
She ran into the room and almost jumped his dick
When she saw the girls and said “It's raining, it's pouring. And bo peep, your sheep are gone, except for a black sheep that had, yessir, three bags full of teapots, short and stout. 

That's when the big bad wolf walked in, stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni. The wolf saw Jack, from Nantucket, and naked grandma, realized people were about to pop the weasel, thought he'd join in, and boomed, “Where is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater's wife?”  

The big bad wolf heard voices coming from Grandmother's bathroom and thought it might be three pigs he'd blown a while back, but it turned out to be three men in the tub. Jack looked at Grandma and said, “Damn, woman!” By now, his little boy was blue, and Jack went to run up the hill to fetch a pail of really cold water, but he was stopped by three blind mice singing a song of six pence for two dozen blackbirds baked in a pie to buy off Little Bunny Foo Foo and get him to stop bopping them on the head. Wouldn't you know it, but hickory dickory dock, one of the mice ran up his cock. The farmers wife came dashing around the corner, wielding a carving knife, cutting off the mouse's tail, as well as Jack's.

Jack let out a yelp and counted the seconds it took to get help. “One two, buckle my shoe, three, four, open the goddamn door and help me.” Grandma, Little Red Riding Hood, Bo Peep, Goldilocks, the three men from the tub, and the big bad wolf came outside and hauled Jack back into the cottage, while Old Mother Hubbard grabbed Jack's severed penis and stuck it in her pocket. As they put Jack on the bed, he said a prayer. “Twinkle, twinkle, little star light, star bright, I wish I may, if I might, have my cock back.” Unfortunately, it was the middle of the day, and the only star in the sky was the sun, who didn't give a shit.  

Jack's unfortunate mishap with his hey diddle diddle killed the mood. Jack, it's okay. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Ashes to ashes, we ALL fall down once in a while. He might have pulled through, but ten little monkey's kept jumping on the bed. Everybody eventually got tired of watching over Jack—nobody really knew him anyway—and they left. Old Mother Hubbard got home to find her dog without food. She went to the cupboard for the rest of her curds and whey, but the itsy bitsy spider had taken it up the water spout, so the poor dog had none. Old Hubbard's hand happened across her pocket, and that is how her dog finally got a bone.