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Advice For The People I Laugh At |
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Friday, 06 February 2009 |
Here's something only a few hundred of you know: I have a deep affection for the rhetorical nature of language. And I think wordplay is the finest use of language. Most of the things people say seriously, and this does include you, are ridiculous. So I'm starting this series to offer advice to people I laugh at. It will pop up whenever things are slow for me, creatively. I'm going to give you a few to get started.
Dear Mr. I-Might-Write-a-Book-or-Screenplay-When-I-Get-the-Time,
I usually don't care when you ejaculate ignorant dreams, but you've just said something that affects me because I'm a writer. On the one hand, you're equating your unrefined, unpracticed hypothetical future trade to the countless hours I've put in trying to learn how words best work together, and then putting them on a page. Time is not all you need to write. Yet, on the other hand, if you actually do find the time and you write, there's a very good chance someone will pay you for it. Now, there are two ways for a craft to depreciate in value: someone prices their product far below everyone else, or enough people offer an unnecessarily poorly produced product, which is inherently less expensive, and that becomes the expectation. In this time of economic turmoil, I really don't need you waltzing in, talking about taking my job. So here's my advice to you: Why not become a surgeon? Or a parent? Go on, do it. It's a great use of your spare time.
Speaking of which...
Dear Mr. I'm-a-Small-Business-Owner-Please-Buy-My-Product,
You came up with this yourself, didn't you? I can understand that you couldn't afford better. Or that at least you didn't think so. But this piece of crap I'm looking at doesn't sell. Your commercial is sitting between two big budget advertisements, and I'm already annoyed that my program was interrupted. The least you could do is give me something clever to watch while I'm told to give you money. Here's an idea: go to Youtube, find someone you like, and ask them to make you a commercial. Pay them a little bit of money. They're used to not getting much for this sort of work. They have experience with the medium. You do not. They are clever, funny, and listened to. You are not.
Dear Mr. I'm-Going-to-Leave-a-Comment-Regarding-His-Absent-Mustache-Before-the-Video-is-Over,
Congratulations, you're not blind. Unfortunately, you're not clever, either. This may come as a surprise to you, but I shaved it myself. I chose it. I also chose to wear a nose ring. That means I don't care if you like it or not. I'm not going to pat you on the head for noticing. However, I might pat you on the head for discussing the actual content of this video.
Dear Mr. I'm-Leaving-a-Comment-About-Not-Leaving-a-Comment-Regarding-His-Mustache,
No. You're not clever, either.
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